What's the deal?

So, here I am living life, being happy. And I am even perfectly content being single.Then all of the sudden, people start asking why I don't have a boyfriend and why I don't date for fun. Well, I don't know- no opportunities? waste of time? expectations are too high? The point is that I was perfectly content but now all the sudden, I think about a relationship and I want one! I do think that my expectations for a man are a little bit too high. So, I start to wonder. Should I date around? Should I start putting myself out there? Who would I put myself out there for?

I've actually been blogging a lot but posting them as private. They're just for my own benefit- to get out feelings and thoughts. So, what's new in my life? Well I am trying to find a balance in life. Basically a balance that puts God at the center of every activity. There was about a month or so where I kept God separate. I was so busy with everything that I put God in a box and only got out the box when I felt I had time.

Anyway, I love dancing. It is a true passion of mine. So, when I was getting ready for my last competition, that was my life and I didn't leave time for anything else. By the way- I did very well. I competed in 7 dances and I came home with 3-1st place ribbons, 3- 2nd place, and 1-3rd place. So, now I am trying to get back to the real world and balance every piece of life. I think I am doing good thus far. I realized that spending time with my fellow Christians is very encouraging and uplifting and Important. I don't mean just hanging out- but truly sharing our thoughts, struggles, spiritual battles, and feelings.

Work has been better lately. I'm not sure if it's the job or just me being more positive. I still pray for a different job or just some sort of direction in life. But, I thank God for my job, because without it, there's so much I wouldn't be able to do.

random stuff...I know...

Everyday at work is a struggle. A struggle to stay positive...a struggle to understand what I am doing in this job....a struggle to remember what my purpose here on earth is....A constant struggle to be happy...Then I go home and I am still in a bad mood for a while. It takes an hour or two for the joy to come back into my life.

I can't get these thoughts out of my head. I try to fight it but my thoughts are consumed with how much I hate my job and my negativity starts to seap out...I start complaining. My head is consumed with all the reasons I hate my job...I start resenting other people for my own situation. I wonder why I haven't found another job. I wonder why I didn't get the job of my dreams that I was so counting on. I start to question God and his motives for my life. I wonder why I am not somewhere better- my definition of better- not the world's. I start to wonder if I should just move and start over. My co-workers don't understand. Why not stay here and make more money? I say- why not be happy? Why not do something I am passionate about? The corporate world thinks I should find happiness here....be traditional- they think....

I know my life will be different than others. My life will not be traditional. I expect big things- just don't know what yet. It seems like I am always saying the same thing. God, guide me somewhere else- show me to a greater path..Where is it? Am I not looking hard enough? not praying hard enough? Is my view of my life totally wrong? Am I truly supposed to be a robot with a Christ-like image to influence others? What I mean by that is work like a robot in my job, but show the Christian side of life to co-workers. Maybe this is it, but I can't accept it! I can't do this anymore. I need to feel accomplishments! I need to end the day with a feeling of joy.